a few recent thoughts of mine...

I am currently in Iowa on vacation with my family - it is WONDERFUL to be home!!! This post is more to just vent, and share what feelings are on my mind...

First, a little background... I found out I was pregnant July 27th last year, which according to my LMP would make my due date April 5th this year. A week later a few ultrasounds confirmed I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was treated with methotrexate. 3 weeks later I began bleeding, a few ultrasounds confirmed I had an interuterine gestational sac and yolk sac, but no cardiac activity. The bleeding was a miscarriage of the 7 wk fetus. I still don't have answers, but I find comfort and it feels right to call it a 'hetertopic pregnancy' which is extremely rare - twins, one ectopic and the other in the uterus. Anyway...

A few days after we found out we were expecting. We told my parents, as they were visiting Utah. My sister in law also announced to all of us she was expecting too!! Wow, we were excited. (it was to be my SIL's 2nd child).

After that traumatic pregnancy... I struggled for months and months to become emotionally stable, really - it was not a good experience for me!! I found out in September that my SIL's due date was the same as mine would have been (according to my LMP) - April 5th. That just hurt SO much worse. Whenever she had an u/s or a check up, etc. . . I would find out what the updates were, like the gender of the baby, etc. and I couldn't help but think "that could have been me, that SHOULD be me with her, that would have been me too..." it sucked.

Anyway, my nephew was born 6 weeks ago on April 4th. I survived that dreadful weekend with flying colors, thanks to many prayers and extra strength.

After that short background - we are here in Iowa. On vacation with my family. My SIL, bro and niece/nephew are here now too, they just flew in yesterday. It has been surprisingly difficult to see a few of my siblings (there are 7 of us total) meet their first and new nephew. To see how excited they are. To see how much my mom loves to hold him and take care of him, to change his diapers, etc. Or to see my dad show this little guy off to his employee's and friends, etc. I just see how happy this little guy makes them and I can't help but to feel that I have failed them. I know, I know... I haven't "failed" at anything - right? But really... it still doesn't take away the fact that I miscarried. and had everything gone as it should have - they would be all ooohing and aaahing over my baby.

My mother in law has been visiting her parents who live just an hour north of my hometown here in Iowa. She came down to Iowa City today to spend time with Seth and see all of us, etc. My SIL and MIL sat on the couch with the little nephew just playing and laughing and talking, etc. and I struggle in general getting more comfortable around my in-laws. And I have often felt if I just had a baby we would have something to talk about and connect with. And today my MIL and SIL were connecting. (remember, MIL is Seth's mom. SIL is my brother's wife. opposite families). . . and I couldn't help but think "there is nothing for me and my MIL to talk about. . . my job is boring, my life is... boring, everything is so "lame"... and here she is enjoying her time with my SIL b/c she has a baby to connect with. I just felt quite sad. It's lame, huh?

Also, I just want to vent this too.... Seth and I both have large extended families - lots of cousins our age/older. Many are married currently. ALL of our married cousins currently are expecting and/or have a child. literally, all of them. I thought we weren't alone... I thought my cousin who got married last September wouldn't be expecting so soon - but, they announced on Mother's day she is even through with her first trimester. ouch. I know, I'm "competitive" and this is definitely something you cannot compare yourself to others in life about!! But... I just do. I know it's not right, and my mind really does not dwell on it - it may seem that it does but it doesn't. It's just sometimes my thoughts go those directions, I recognize they are wrong - and they don't stay on my mind for long. But it does just enough to get me sad anyway.

I really ought to go to sleep now. But these are a few of my thoughts, thanks for listening...