I got married when I was 19. My husband, Nate, and I entered a ward of mostly young married couples. I went to Relief Society and there were about 10 new sisters (including myself) so we all stood to introduce ourselves. This is how the 9 sisters introduced themselves, “Hi, my name is so and so and my husband is starting medical school.” Then they would sit down. I remember it was almost my turn and I kept thinking, “Am I supposed to introduce myself or my husband?” Finally it was my turn and I said, “Hi my name is Alysha and my husband works for Kohls.” What I wanted to say is more along the lines of, “Hi, my name is Alysha. I just got married to my best friend, I’m a nanny and I’m going to school to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I like photography and baking and I sing really loud and dance whenever I hear music.” Recently I’ve been saying things that are true but not saying what I want to say. I realized this blog is one of the places I can say what I want to say so…here it goes!
My name is Alysha, I’ve been married for four years to an amazing man. We got pregnant about two years ago with medical help. We went in to hear the heartbeat and were told there wasn’t one. I was given medicine to bring on a miscarriage and we lost our child at about eight weeks. I can’t even begin to describe my feelings. I think I had so many emotions at once that it was hard to figure out what each emotion actually was. I wasn’t just sad, I was confused and lonely, angry and jealous. My arms were empty and my heart was breaking.
Remember how I said I was married to an amazing man? Well, I wasn’t lying. Nate helped me through every aspect of the miscarriage. There was of course the physical pain and healing but there is so much more. There’s an emotional and spiritual healing that needs to happen. And it’s happening, it’s still happening two years later. I still have questions but I’m finally letting peace wash over me. I think Heavenly Father has tried for awhile to comfort me, but I thought that if I forgot my pain I was forgetting my child. I know now that isn’t true. The Lord has a plan for me and Nate. We’ve grown closer together and closer to the Lord through this and I know He hears and answers our prayers. I’m looking forward to what he has in store for us…
Thanks for your story, and good luck on your journey. I hope you've been able to figure out what you want to be when you grow up, and that you still enjoy photography and baking. Women need their own identities.
ReplyDeleteIt's been hard for me to move on, as well. I've had a feeling of guilt for wanting to let go and embrace new things. And you don't want people to think that you don't think or care about that child anymore, when it seems like they'll always be a part of you. For me, it gets easier with time, but I've been surprised at how long the process is. I'm glad you have someone great to do this with you and be there for you.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like a pretty neat woman, I loved how you put your first paragraph. I wish it was more 'acceptable' to open about these things, but there is a time and place I guess. None of those 'society rules' apply here though.
ReplyDeleteIn a comment in an earlier post you said the doctors say you may never get pregnant again, is that true? Medically - what are the reasonings? I want to do a post about this - I'm trying to understand things more medically. I have learned a lot from my experiences, but I don't understand a lot of it. You said your body was medically prepared for a baby - but it miscarried? Were you on clomid?
since my first loss I haven't had regular periods cycles or ovulated unless I induce my period, and then induce ovulation through medicine. I personally think b/c I am making my body 'artificially' do what I need it to do to get pregnant I miscarried the 2nd pregnancy.
I've taken a break from the whole medicine/doctor tests, etc. I'm going to do a insulin test and HSG once I decide to - but I'm kinda sick of all the doctor stuff. Every nurse/doctor says something different or suggests something else that's random - and I just realize more and more how it is all such a big practice. Maybe if I don't do anything for a while and focus on myself my body can become regular again and do what it's made for.
Over the last while, especially after reading fertile in our faith, I have become more open to just thinking about adoption. It's helped me put life into perspective a bit more. I have come to accept new things, but have hope for greater things too. I feel that I can relate to your wide variety of feelings, ups and downs. And feeling SO MANY!!!! all at once, and it is difficult to put it all into words. And though my man is amazing, there is still feelings he can't really help me with to my desires or needs. Knowing about Jesus Christ, and having faith in him as my Savior and what that encompasses is the greatest comfort. I was reading a talk from an old Ensign, and this scripture, from the title of this blog, was shared. He won't leave us comfortless.
Now I just feel like I'm rambling... but! I'm grateful for your post Alysha, you've helped me be a little big stronger today.
I stumbed on your blog, so while I do not know you, I do empathize with you.
ReplyDeleteI have been married for ten years, and while I have never been pregnant, that I am aware of, I have been through the roller coaster of tests and feelings.
After 5 years of "trying" and testing, we finally decided that for our own happiness, we would embrace our life as a couple, and turn the rest over to God. There were times I cried, A LOT. There were a few times my husband cried, too, but we grew together in a way that, had we been blessed with a baby, I don't think we would have.
From where I am now, and remembering what I felt eight years ago, you may want to tell me to shut up, and that you don't want to hear it, because that is what it felt like for me. Everyone was having a baby, or a baby shower, or they were so excited to announce their happiness to the world... and, the misery in my little universe was all the worse when they said the stupid things that people say, because they always think they need to say something.
I learned to ignore those who were judging us, smile at the ones who were sincere, and laugh with the ones who really understood. I was told I was selfish, given "position" suggestions, and told every wive's tale or lucky formla you've ever heard. I came up with a few snappy come-backs for strangers and minor acquaintances, and allowed myself to grieve the loss of my dream with my husband. I also went to counseling, at my spouse's suggestion, both with him, and then on my own. It was nice to get it out in a place where no one would judge me.
I made my peace with my situation, and while I still wonder why the Lord sends babies to some people, I am grateful I won't have to sort that out. My husband and I also looked at the costs of continuing fertility treatments, and decided with the babies out there who are adoptable, we could give them what they needed--a loving home where they are wanted: and save the money to send them to college. =) We have adopted two children through our state's foster care system, and while it has been hard, it has been worth it. (It also didn't cost anything--if the cost of adoption makes you hesitant. Our state paid everything, including the legal fees.) Now, I feel like my dream has been fulfilled in another way. I hope you don't mind my sharing.
Thank you for your comments Anonymous. Like Alysha said in her post, I too would like to learn more about the adoption through state system - could you do a post on that? Also, I'm interested in the tests you did, if any tests had any significant results.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you shared your story and stumbled upon this blog... I hope you stick around... you're a success story and I think people can learn from your experience to make the path easier. thank you for sharing!
Hi guys! It's Jess in CA. Since Jared and I moved to CA while in the process of trying to adopt, there were a lot of things we had to redo or complete additionally because of our transfer. In all that mess, our County's Foster Care system was offering free first aid classes (in CA we have to be 1st Aid certified to adopt-not in UT though, so don't worry) Anyways, in order to take the course, we had to be "potential foster parents" so we began all of the training courses (in order to do the first aid weekend) thinking it'd be a means to an end, but with each class our eyes were opened to the huge need and a realization of our real feelings about these kids. So- here's the skinny.
ReplyDeleteUnlike private adoption (like LDS Services) state adoptions through foster care are free. The State pays all the legal fees, plus the child is usually on medicare until he is 18 years old (free health insurance). The state also gives you money each month for that child is still in foster care, and perhaps even after adoption. Please know, though, that foster care, while rewarding and wonderful because you're basically saving a kid's life, comes with lots of heart-strings attached. You really need to look into your county's programs and find out when they do orientations/trainings. Then you'll get a first hand eye-opening view instead of someone else's nutshell version which may not include that piece of info that you might need to convince you one way or the other. We continue to be associated with our county as potential foster parents, and it's a rewarding associaion.