Perspective

I laughed when I was invited to this blog. After three years in a Wymount ward, I was the longest-married childless woman who hadn't publicly born her testimony about her struggles with infertility. But here I am today.

My period came today, marking five months of failure. I know five months is nothing compared to what some of you have been through. I know anything up to a year is "normal". I know I am wonderfully blessed to have a 16 month old. I know my body might still be rebalancing after finally cutting out the last nursing session two months ago. I know my body might be recovering from that Mirena IUD. 

But still. 

It's hard.

When I was 17 or 18 I remember sitting in the car in our garage with my mom, and she said "women in our family get pregnant really easily". With my first daughter, I conceived less than a week after having my IUD out, and didn't even have sex within three days of my expected ovulation!

So for the last several years I thought I was someone who would always get pregnant easily.

This failure, month five, is the hardest for me. This month would have resulted in an August due date, which would have put my kids two years apart in school. I have always wanted, and always pictured my kids two years apart in school. Now that isn't going to happen. 

I don't really know where to go from here. I never pictured or wanted a fall baby, but it seems so... I don't know the word... wrong to even have a preference at this point. I never thought this would happen to me. 

I know you have gone through so much. But you were also where I am at one point, so how do you get past mourning over your plans and dreams crashing down?

I don't know if anyone reads this, but I needed to get it out. No one (besides my husband) even knows that we want another child yet.