I laughed when I was invited to this blog. After three years in a Wymount ward, I was the longest-married childless woman who hadn't publicly born her testimony about her struggles with infertility. But here I am today.
But still.
It's hard.
When I was 17 or 18 I remember sitting in the car in our garage with my mom, and she said "women in our family get pregnant really easily". With my first daughter, I conceived less than a week after having my IUD out, and didn't even have sex within three days of my expected ovulation!
So for the last several years I thought I was someone who would always get pregnant easily.
This failure, month five, is the hardest for me. This month would have resulted in an August due date, which would have put my kids two years apart in school. I have always wanted, and always pictured my kids two years apart in school. Now that isn't going to happen.
I don't really know where to go from here. I never pictured or wanted a fall baby, but it seems so... I don't know the word... wrong to even have a preference at this point. I never thought this would happen to me.
I know you have gone through so much. But you were also where I am at one point, so how do you get past mourning over your plans and dreams crashing down?
I don't know if anyone reads this, but I needed to get it out. No one (besides my husband) even knows that we want another child yet.
Hi Katherine. I'm sorry I haven't seen your post until now, and I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's not insignificant. When you are really trying and hoping, every single month is hard. Every time you realize your period is coming again can be heartbreaking, I so understand that feeling. It's hard, too, when the timing is important to you and suddenly that opportunity gets taken away from you. It's been hard for me to try to remember that the Lord has His own timeline for my life, and to trust that He has a plan for me, especially when we are doing our best to plan things to the best of our knowledge.
ReplyDeleteI just had my second child at 12:15 am on September 11th, 2012. At first I was angry about having my baby on a date like that. But as I held my sweet sleepy boy in the hospital, I realized that beautiful babies are just what we need on days like that, to bring precious life again into the world again when it has been taken away so unfairly. Sometimes it helps to realize that no matter when or how, holding that precious life in your arms makes it worth it. I've always thought even a December baby would be wonderful, despite the difficulties that brings, you get a sweet little thing to hold and cuddle during such a beautiful time of year.
Anyway, I guess I'm saying I hope you can find some new timelines that may be even better than you were expecting, but please don't feel like you shouldn't be hurting just because what you're going through is "normal" for other people. Normal or not, becoming pregnant can be a heart wrenching journey, and your feelings are valid. Best of luck to you in your journey.
Hi Katherine! It's been - forever. I just saw your post, I'm so glad you wrote. five months IS a long time, when you are wanting it badly and when it seems like the perfect time. Especially how you explained your desire to have them both in school, two years apart. I understand it's so disappointing, and one important thing I didn't realize is it's okay to be disappointed, and mourn, and be mad/sad/angry/frustrated! Really, it's important to truly feel and go through the mourning process.
ReplyDeleteI actually got so depressed during the recovery of my ectopic pregnancy (bleeding a lot, not ovulating, 60 day long cycles, doctor visits galore) that I did go see a counselor, and she helped me through the grieving cycle. Give yourself time. It does get better over time.
My cousin just had a miscarriage last week, she was 9 weeks along. She also had a miscarriage after her first child when she was 11 weeks along. There is a special empathy that is a result of our struggles as women, that help other women go through their own struggles. It is a divine purpose that we are given so many gifts and blessings to be a support to each other.
Give yourself time.
My husband helped me realize that it wasn't something wrong I was doing, God wasn't punishing me by not giving me a healthy pregnancy for any wrong doings. We are imperfect people with imperfect bodies. It is a natural process, not something we actually have a lot of control over. For some it is easy to find comfort in the truth that God has a time and plan. In others, it is comforting that our bodies are imperfect and we don't have as much control as we would like.
Hormones are a crazy thing!! Have you tried ovulation predictor kits? they are very cheap online, I bought some off amazon for about $3, there were 20 ovulation strips and 10 pregnancy strips. They helped me get pregnant with my second.
Also, if it's any help. The times that I'm very sad, when no one can understand what I'm going through, or I don't want to try to explain what I'm feeling anymore - I go in a dark room, with no distractions, with head phones on and listen to this song. And I cry, and cry, and cry. It is so healing and helpful to me. Try it ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkRo42AbOfQ
Thank you for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteBaby's due in September.
ReplyDelete