Kindred Spirits

Megan asked if I could share my story, and it is sort of scary to put up here when I don’t know what you might think of it. Every part of it is really vivid for me, but I’ve tried to keep it to the main details. I guess what I hope is that if you’ve had something similar happen, that you don’t feel alone.

Last fall I found out I was pregnant, and a couple of weeks later had an ultrasound where I saw a joyful little heartbeat. It was crazy: a little white bean that was the baby, and inside of that, a little area that went black-white, black-white, black-white. A few weeks after that, I had some cramping and saw a tiny dot of blood. The doctors told me if I ever saw any blood with cramps that I should call them. When I called, they were skeptical, but they told me to come in if only to put fears to rest. My doctor did another ultrasound, and I could see the tiny white bean that was the baby, and inside no flashing black-white, black-white. No more heartbeat, that is. I was 8 weeks along. My doctor was very sweet and walked me through the options for getting the baby out, but it was only 12 hours later when it started happening on its own. Around 4:00 am my husband had to take me to the ER because the pain was too bad. I found out later that it was labor pain (I didn’t know you could go through that that early), and the pain wasn’t stopping because the “blood clot” – that’s what they called the baby – was stuck behind my cervix, so the doctors had to help me get it out.

In the hospital, I asked to see what they took out of me. The nurse put what they had taken out inside of a plastic sample cup and handed it to me. We weren’t sure at that point if we had gotten it out or not. I didn’t see anything but tissue at first, but then I noticed a small placenta, and then I saw the baby, just a tiny flesh-colored bean with its back up against one side of the cup. I held onto the cup for a long time.

I know that even getting to the point of seeing the heartbeat is so much to be grateful for, and that this was just my first pregnancy so I have good odds of success in the future. It was hard though, to see the little heartbeat and to lose it so traumatically. After I lost the baby, my only thought was to get it back in there. Or at least get another one back in there. It’s 6 months later now and I’m not pregnant, we’re still trying. I flip back and forth between feeling scared of being a parent, depression from what happened, sometimes jealousy when I see women as far along as I should be, sometimes guilt when I feel that I am moving on (because I don’t want to), and when I see a baby – not so much longing as sadness.

I don’t know why it happened. There are tests that they can do, but my doctor told me that they cost thousands of dollars and they don’t really do those unless you’ve miscarried a few times. There are lots of questions that you think but won’t get answers to any time in this life. There are also questions that I wasn’t asking that were answered. After the ultrasound where we saw there was no heartbeat, just getting in the car was hard. Shutting the door was hard. Turning the key. I was wondering about the wisdom of driving home when I had so many tears clogging up my vision. I felt like I was being ripped apart, exactly in half from top to bottom. And then, as I sat there with the motor running, I felt like Heavenly Father loved me. Of all the things to feel, in all the times and places, that is what I felt sitting there. Not “you’re going to be ok” or “things will be better in the future” – just “I love you.” I have never felt it so strong or been so sure of it. I remember driving home and thinking how weird it was to have those two feelings juxtaposed: feeling like my heart was being ripped from my body, and the feeling that Heavenly Father loved me so strong it was like a presence right there in the car next to me. I know that’s not everyone’s experience, and I don’t know why it happened that way for me. I just know that after that, and in the months since, no matter how empty I felt or how much I wanted to be angry, I still knew what happened in that car. I’m not saying it wasn’t bad, it was, that’s why I didn’t get the “you’re going to be ok” feeling. But it has really helped to feel loved, by God and my husband and family and friends.

A month after my miscarriage, I was back in the hospital with an unrelated issue. A nurse overheard me say that I had miscarried recently, and she came to me alone later and told me that she had just miscarried the week before at 8 weeks. She was the first person I had spoken with in that whole month who had miscarried recently, and I remember just feeling waves of relief speaking with her and hearing her story and sharing mine. That meant so much to me, so I hope that my sharing this hasn’t brought up any bad feelings for anyone. If anything, I hope you at least feel that there are kindred spirits out there.