Fertile in our Faith

I wrote this post on our personal blog and also decided to post parts of it here.

This book (Fertile in our Faith) was written by a Latter-day Saint woman named Krista Ralston Oakes. She discusses what it is like to be a member of the church and to be infertile.

I am just going to jot down some of my feelings about the subject and include some from the book as well. For those of you who are struggling with this, I highly recommend this book. For those of you who do not struggle with this, I would still recommend this book because it shows the "infertile" perspective in the LDS culture. Jordan and I both read it and liked it.

I hope I don't offend anyone with what I am going to say here. It is not meant to offend anyone, just to convey information in the hopes that those who struggle know they are not alone, and those who don't struggle will know how to approach the sensitive subject.

I have especially noticed in my own experiences that those who don't have problems getting pregnant are not aware that for many people it takes a long time. People often make comments that seem harmless to them, but really hurt the couple they are talking to. Just because a couple does not have children, don't assume it is their choice. And if it is their choice, that is ok too. That decision is only between the couple and the Lord.

The comments I am talking about are things such as, "so any babies on the way?" or "when are you going to have a baby?" One of the things that really makes me sad is when people complain about their children. If they only knew how much some people would give to have children of their own, I think they would be more careful in what they say.

I admit, I am still pretty young. But please, don't tell me, "You are still so young! You have plenty of time for that." That doesn't help me feel any better. I know people have good intentions. Like when they find out that you are struggling and they automatically bring up so-and-so who couldn't get pregnant for 7 years and then had 8 kids. Or the couple that couldn't have kids so they adopted and then got pregnant on their own after that. That doesn't really help either. The horrible thing is, it is hard to tell you exactly what does help because it seems that whatever somebody says, it hurts. I think the best thing that you can do is give your support in the decisions that the couple makes and offer to pray for them, fast for them, or keep them in your thoughts. And be sincere.

As for us, we have taken a break from medical procedures for now. Only those who have been through infertility counseling will know how invasive and emotionally draining the whole thing is. Your whole private life suddenly becomes subject to scrutiny. I can honestly say it is the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through. Some of you might be thinking that I hide it well, but I try really hard to be cheerful and happy and live in the moment. I truly do enjoy my time alone with Jordan. Our relationship has definitely deepened and has been strengthened by this trial. He has been very supportive and I love him! No matter what the situation ends up being in this mortal existence, I know that if we are faithful, we can have a family in the eternities. I am so grateful for His gospel and that I have that knowledge.

Points From The Book

Statistically affects one in eight couples of childbearing age in the United States (CDC – 2002). This statistic is fairly old, so the number could have gone up… slightly.

Infertility is not a sign of unworthiness.

• This book brings up the point that some women will, while bearing their testimony, express gratitude and awe that the Lord has entrusted her with the new spirit that was born into their family. It kind of implies that couples who don't have children haven't earned the Lord's trust, which is totally false.
  
• "Children are not the Lord's equivalent of stickers being handed out by a Primary teacher for good behavior."
  
• "Perhaps the arrival of a child depends more on the timing and circumstance that is best suited to that child's earthly mission and eternal potential."
  

Infertility is nothing more than a biological condition – a consequence of mortality.

The author talked about the challenge of attending church only to be bombarded by women surrounded by children, or those who are pregnant, or sitting through endless lessons on motherhood. She was often tempted not to go to church because of these things. I have talked to a few people in my same situation and it seems that we have all felt this way. I got an e-mail from my Relief Society several months back that said something like, "there are 30 girls pregnant in our Relief Society. It's a new ward record!" All I can say about that is ouch. That one hurts for those of us in my ward who wished desperately that we were one of them.

• A good way to help get yourself to church is to realize why you do go. She gives a great list in the book about why she goes.
  

There are sections in this book about miscarriage, adoption, and secondary "lonely" infertility (which is being able to get pregnant easily the first time but not being able to get pregnant again).

The author makes a great point that I had never really thought of before. She had a chapter on Filling the Measure of our Creation. This is what she says:

• "The measure of our creation is the potential that lies within our creation – immortality and eternal life. We fill the measure of our creation by realizing that potential, which is the very work and glory of our Father in Heaven. It has nothing – nothing – to do with our reproductive status.
  

Like I said earlier, I try to live in the moment and find joy in what I do. There is a poem in this book that I would also like to share.

Someone did something of kindness today.

She lifted a person who came by the way.

But I didn't do that, because as you see,

I sat on the couch and felt sorry for me.

Someone took talents and lo and behold,

They increased those talents by at least tenfold.

But my talent was not what I'd hoped to have found,

So I buried it deep in an infertile ground.

Bitter and angry that life was unfair

And not how I'd planned, I just chose not to care.

Meanwhile someone else took what I had cast down

And fashioned it into an eternal crown.

When the precious hours of time come to an end

And I stand before my Savior and Friend,

Who had more than His share of injustice and strife,

How will I give an account of my life?

A quote by Sydney J. Harris: "The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes them a mother – which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician."

The book also covers things like hard days (such as Mother's and Father's Day and Christmas), how to support someone who is going through this, success stories, and other recommended reading.

Thanks again for all those that have been supporting us through this trial. If you are going through similar experiences I would be happy to talk to you about them! It really helps to talk about it.

I hope all is well with all of you!