My Mother's Day Story

I'm so excited to be invited to give my two cents on this Mother's Day weekend! I too hope that nothing I say will offend anyone, but I think that if people know me, they won't feel offended, but rather enlightened by a perspective they never really thought about, maybe because they've never had to, or perhaps you'll feel validated and understood, like I do when I read a talk about someone who lived through another Mothers' day at church.

My experiences living in Wymount for 3 years vary from happy to complacent to angry, to utterly upset and alone, to freedom, to peace, -not necessarily in that order and not necessarily one feeling at a time!

At that time that we left our three-year stretch at Wymount, we had been married for five years, and although we'd always hoped to have kids, and have never found any medical complications, we were still childless.

Every time I was reminded of my childlessness I felt like an outcast, and it wasn't because others weren't nice, etc. but pure circumstance makes you part of different social circles, different conversations, different experiences and needs. I felt locked out of a sorority I so badly wanted to be hazed into.

I felt so validated at the World Wide leadership meeting for the LDS church when one of the general authorities said that although we teach in ideals, that there are those that stand a bit on the outside looking into that ideal. Among those outsiders, he listed those who were divorced, those who never married, those who've lost a spouse, those who wished for children and didn't have them- and right there, I thought BAM!! YEAH!! FINALLY!! Somebody will acknowledge how I feel! "Besides," people would say, "we are all mothers." I could agree that we all have a way of "mothering" other people's kids and can be helpful & loving to them, but I did not consider myself a mother.

Up until then I felt almost guilty for disagreeing with people when they said that this "outsidedness" I felt wasn't really the case and that of course people love you, etc. Yes, it is true that sisters loved me, but our relationship was in fact different.

I felt more a sense of sympathy (even if it was only my fault that I felt this way) from different people, and because I did not have kids and did work full time, it felt difficult to establish some other kind of real friendship with someone, you know- the kind where they call you out of the blue to hang out- just with you- not to schedule a "date" with "us" but just with me. I loved my job and found great value in what I did, and even highly successful, especially when I was voted "Teacher of the Year," However, I promise you that I'd have given that all up in a heartbeat to just be a mom.

Now this "be a mom" thing was a process of thinking for me too. I couldn't help but think about how cute and adorable biological kids from us could look like (vain, I know, but you know...) and to even breathe the words adoption felt like an admittance of failure, although others suddenly put us in a category of sainthood "for doing that" - as if we were really just out there trying to do our little part to help the world. haha. Ohhhhh, if they only knew how long it took (especially me) to get to the point of walking into the adoption orientation. There's a whole process I went through, and still go through now and again, and I now know that it is totally normal to feel this way. It's the grief cycle: Shock, Denial, Anger & Guilt, Despair & Depression, Acceptance, and Finding good Listeners!

I realized a couple of things for myself through this cycle that I would like to share with especially those who've never had to deal with not being in control of having something that you have absolutely no biological control over. I realized that as a latter day saint, we feel an added stress, because of our beliefs which center around the family. Because of this, going to church, although supposed to be there as our anchor to lift us up, can be very heart wrenching and unbearable when we are faced with what we cannot in that moment have, especially when it's such a righteous desire. I also realized because of this, that other people who may seem depressed at church on Sunday have a full-fledged right to feel that way, because of whatever "ideal" they are unable to attain and are faced with. I actually went "inactive" for a couple of weeks (yes, we still sort of laugh about this in our family) because I just couldn't bare another blessing, another announcement or seeing another person pregnant. Oh, and here's another tidbit- even though I could still be happy for those who would become pregnant at the end of the day I would still think- "but it's not me." And perhaps I was even more genuinely happy for those who I'd known had struggled- but there the thought would sometimes come, "Even THEY finally got a chance to have children!" So if you are struggling and think that when you read our whole story, I am not in the least offended, but truly understand how you feel.

I also realized at some point in my heart (not just in my head) that it wasn't my fault and what I mean is mostly that I realized that I wasn't a failure for not having children in this life, and in fact, kind of freed myself from the responsibility altogether as I remembered that it wasn't even a requirement for me to leave this life having born children. It was "just" icing on the cake. It was around this time that I began to allow myself to relish in the fact that I could live it up BECAUSE I didn't have kids(and NOT feel guilty for doing so). A new couch, a couple of really special outings just the two of us, watching an opera in Vienna... these are things I was excited to tell people about without having to somehow guilty that I wasn't sad. I freed myself to feel happy. It was a mind switch for me that really took some time.

Watching "Meet the Robinson's" surprisingly pushed me over the edge at one point to even consider seriously adopting.I finally gave up on having biological children -for the time being- as I walked into that adoption office, and kind of thought I would surrender all. A key realization was made that more than having biological children, I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be somebody's sunshine in the doorway with cookies after school, I wanted to change somebody's poopy diaper and I wanted to be sleep deprived so that I could bring joy and comfort to a tiny screaming person.

And oh you should've seen my face when a case worker said, "It's all the Lord's timing," and I replied sweetly - "I am a little sick of the Lord's timing" - hoping that I hadn't just landed myself onto some LDS Family Services blacklist. Oh,my emotions were in my throat and I was vulnerable at this time. Interestingly enough, after we did decide to proceed with adoption papers, it was most all that folks would ask us about- which was fine. I know they meant well, and wanted to strike up conversation and were perhaps a bit curious, but I couldn't help but still feeling very different and very alone, and perhaps even like I had to do everything "the hard way." If you disagree, I beg you to become informed about the emotional roller coaster of putting oneself and ALL of your personal information - and I mean personal- out there with a hope and a prayer that someone "picks you".

After all the inconclusive and expensive and painful doctor's tests, we were entering a world of expensive adoption applications (It's $1000 just to get the app) and our privacy was done for. It was a long a tedious process to complete every sheet of paper work, attend classes & trainings, have someone come look at our house to see if it was "fit for children" and get an FBI background check from every place we'd lived. We'd ask ourselves "what biological parent does this? Please!" We laugh when we think that we even have to have a fire extinguisher, an official first aid kid and Co2 detectors in our house! And, because we moved to CA, we were required to do most of the aforementioned things again, and are now required to be first aid and CPR certified! Um, what biological parent has to do that? Don't get me wrong, but it felt sometimes like the more progress we thought we were making, the more hurdles were placed in our path. At least, though, it felt like progress, and for the first time in a long time I had begun to feel hope, because at least we were moving forward. I had some ounce of naive hope to hold onto that somebody out there having an unplanned baby would think we were awesome enough to be the parents of her little bundle of happiness.

When the school year began again at the school from which I resigned, because we were moving, I substituted for my friends' classes at the beginning of that next year, confusing the daylights out of all those who thought I was leaving, and I felt some pangs of sadness- knowing that I was leaving a place and a profession that I truly loved and valued, and was a real part of. Off we went to CA with our car and moving truck, and life began rolling quickly once we got there.

I drowned myself in a new ward, new neighborhood, new service opportunities, and left alllll that baggage and sadness behind me. I still had a really rough week about 6 weeks after we moved, but it was short lived and I moved on, determined to be as pulled together, positive, optimistic and faithful in following the Lord as possible.

Just 9 weeks after moving here we got an email from a birth mom who has now forever changed our lives. Just four months after that first email, she placed her brand new baby boy with us, making our family three. She followed a confirmation she received from Heavenly Father to place her baby, and even though it was so so hard, and others reminded her on the day before placement that she didn't have to go through with it, she said, "I cannot run away from God for the rest of my life" and she knew that it would be the hardest thing she'd ever do. She is now my hero of courage and faith- doing the thing required of us by the Lord even when it's hard. She strives to stay close to the Lord and testifies of his closeness to her, to pick her up, or to send her a tender mercy in the form of someone's words or actions. She gave us what we couldn't give ourselves. Because of her I will celebrate this first Mother's Day with a new perspective.

I won't go all out and have a ton of pomp and circumstance just because "I'm a mom" but I will take with me to church this Sunday the happiness that a new warm little smile has brought my life, the gratitude that I feel for my own mother who taught me to be strong and able, and the tender feelings I have for all those women who want so badly to use their talents for the thing they want most- to be a mom.

p.s. Saturday is Birth Mom's Day! Include thanks in your prayers for all the amazing birth moms that help others to build a forever family!